The pursuit of perfection disconnects you from your values, leading to a machinelike life rather than one filled with true fulfillment. The image shown is how I lived my life for a huge chunk of last year, attempting to repeat the same daily actions. At that time, I was a vegetarian consuming high amounts of dairy to hit my protein goals, daily consuming cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and whole milk. My stomach constantly felt horrible, but I consumed dairy anyway for my physique goals. I was obsessed with researching routines and thought I came up with the perfect plan to achieve my subconscious goal of, well, perfection.
Before I created my optimized plan, I knew perfection shouldn’t be my driving force in life, or in other words, the “why” behind my life. I knew this not just from rational thought that it is unattainable, but also through life experience. Seven years before, in middle school, I followed a very similar plan, using every single second of every day trying to be productive. It led me into a state of numbness, purposelessness, and isolation, not living by the values I stood for. So why then, did I repeat this same cycle?
The pursuit of perfection makes bold promises – the promises of control, safety, security, and accomplishment in a world where you don’t know what the future holds… the kinds of bold promises that make you ignore how much your dairy consumption is hurting your stomach. Right before both of my optimization phases, I went through experiences of friendship loss, identity and self worth crises, and stress about the future. To counteract these, the promises of perfection were incredibly enticing. But these promises underdeliver every time since perfection either exists, or doesn’t – there is no in between. When I started to break free from my routine, I felt incompetent, like I wasn’t living up to my potential. Anything I did outside of my “perfect plan,” like eating something other than my greek yogurt and cottage cheese bowls and not doing work to instead lay down on the grass for ten minutes after a hard day, felt like a failure.
What I now know is that these moments of “imperfection” are what make me human. I was expecting myself to be a well of productivity, repeating the same daily tasks, eating the same protein dense meals, essentially becoming an automated machine. My pursuit of perfection blinded my humanity, ignoring my thoughts, feelings, struggles, interests, ability to form deep relationships, and… stomach pain. Most importantly, since the “why” behind my life was perfection, this trumped the values that would shape my daily actions.
My turning point was when I met a girl living similarly to me, doing workouts she didn’t like, eating foods she didn’t enjoy, and was reminded of my middle school perfectionist self. I saw how suffocated she was following her rigid routines and it was as though there was a mirror held up to me, and realized that I was the same way consuming my dairy protein bowls and following a robotic workout structure. Soon after my interaction with her, my friend invited me to a party, and I swept up the opportunity to break free from my routines and just live. I stayed up till 2 AM, not worrying about sleeping in the next day, and just enjoyed being a college student.
From that point on, I was in limbo with my actions urging me to be in touch with myself again but my mind urging me to come back to perfectionism. As my mind got fed up with my actions, I finally started questioning why I was withdrawing from my “perfect” structures and listened to my body. Around the same time, I was getting involved with various vegan communities. After realizing what the dairy industry was doing, taking advantage of so many animals using them as products and viewing them soullessly, I realized that my soulless pursuit of perfection, ignored my core belief of compassion, to benefit myself by consuming dairy for vanity.
After becoming vegan and continuing to uncover more of the “why” behind my actions, perfectionism started to lose its control over my life. I started to see myself for more of who I am and the true values that I stand for. If I didn’t check my cognitive dissonance, I wouldn’t have realized that my superfluous protein goal was fueled by perfectionism and would have never discovered how having a plant-based diet aligns with my values. With social media constantly showing “what I eat in a day,” “how I eat 100g of protein a day to build muscle,” and “That girl” videos displaying “perfected” routines, it’s difficult to stray away from optimization as an end in itself rather than as a means of serving your values. I am still on a journey of not falling into this trap of perfectionism, but now I know that what it tries to promise is false. The truth is, life will always be uncertain and imperfect, and perfectionism suppresses the values that I want to live by, leading to purposeless living. If you struggle with perfectionism, I urge you to ask yourself what you truly value to build a meaningful life with the limited time we have.
